“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
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I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*