“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
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A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.