Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
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ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
This line from Airplane.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.