If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
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Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
They’re on their honeymoon
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”