Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
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I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
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