I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
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stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice