Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
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Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.