[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
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Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I can fix him.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Eat…
Baller is short for ballerina
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?