It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
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An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day