How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
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Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Encore…
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.