starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
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im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100