is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
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A comma is just a period with a mullet.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Had to try this trend 😊
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.