“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
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judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Pringles
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Stop sending me this shit.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.