If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
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My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one