Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
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My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…