That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
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Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians