*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
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“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.