It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
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Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with