Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
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Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
This is hilarious….
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.