Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
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Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license