“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
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Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
An odd boast
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know