Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
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[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
mood
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.