WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings ๐จ๐ธ๐พ’๐ป๐ฎ ๐ญ๐๐ฒ๐ท๐ฐ ๐น๐ป๐ธ๐ซ๐ช๐ซ๐ต๐
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If a panda was coming after me to kill me I donโt think Iโd even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
โDon’t take this the wrong wayโ
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied โthatโs a beardโI was that kidโs first beard
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Just when you think youโre raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and sheโs biting into the middle of the taco first.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Whereโs your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded โThe Final Countdownโ while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressureโฆ
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I get Botox so my face wonโt show people what I really think.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, itโs not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.