Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
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Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army