A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
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sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
They did not miss in the small print
*Seductively hides in the woods
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted