The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
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“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Sorry. Not sorry
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.