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Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*