THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
You Might Also Like
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….