If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
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How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
My birth announcement for our third baby
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!