Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
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Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
man i love columbo
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.