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who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
How do you milk an almond?
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today