If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
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Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing