Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
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Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*