“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
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“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her