Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
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If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Buying a well is money well spent.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.