freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
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Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
This one’s “Alex”.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi