*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
You Might Also Like
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫