I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
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When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Why I divorced her.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.