I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
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I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
A double negative is a big no-no.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian