Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
You Might Also Like
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.