I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
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Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*