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It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…