We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
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Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I only look at Wordle for the articles
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
That’s fair
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.