[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
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Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…