Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
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This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so