I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
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Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner