Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
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Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with