I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
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I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?