*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
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“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity