Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
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Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in